When was the last time you feel really loved? Take a moment to think about this question. You might think back to your last romantic date or a time when someone gave you a very special gift. The answer to this question holds a key to improving every relationship you have.

Everyone wants to feel loved. From the earliest moments of our lives, we all crave love. We want to know that other people care for us.

Learning how we like to be loved is a relationship essential too many people ignore. Dr. Gary Chapmen wrote a very popular book called “The Five Love Languages” in which he unpacks five major ways people prefer to be loved. The book is worth its weight in relational gold, especially if you find it hard to give or receive love.

At the risk of spoiling the book for you, here are my short summaries of the five love languages.

1. Quality Time

People who feel loved through quality time delight in spending intentional time with people they love. It doesn’t matter what they are doing, quality time folks just enjoy undistracted time together. If you love someone whose love language is quality time, make sure to create special times with them and remind them of special times you’ve shared together.

2. Physical Touch

People who feel love through touch enjoy receiving kindness through physical connection. They enjoy hugs, back rubs and holding hands. Dr. Chapman distinguishes between physical touch and sexual touch. If you love someone whose love language is physical touch, they will enjoy showing and receiving love through all kinds of touch.

3. Gifts

Some people feel loved when they are given intentional gifts. These folks particularly love when someone they care about thinks carefully about what they might like and gets it for them. If you love someone whose love language is gifts, be sure to take note of the things they like so you can surprise them with little gifts – the more personal, the better.

4. Acts of Service

Some people feel most appreciated when someone takes care of a need they have. They feel like a million bucks when someone takes something off their plate and handles it for them. Show them love by keeping an eye on their to-do list and intentionally taking things off of it.

5. Words of Affirmation

Those who love to hear what people appreciate about them speak the words of affirmation love language. They love to be celebrated for their accomplishments or abilities. A card or note goes a long with these people. They especially appreciate being complimented in public. If you love someone whose love language is words of affirmation, tell them often what you appreciate about them. Find ways to celebrate their accomplishments and make them feel special.

You might be thinking, “Wait, I think I’m all of these!” You very well could be to some degree, but there will probably be one or two that are more dominant than others. One of the ways to figure out what our love language is thinking about how you like to show other people love. When you are dating someone, which of the five languages do you do more than others? This might be a clue to how you like to be loved.

Knowing your love language and the love languages of people you love can drastically improve your relationships. It may be that the people in your life who just seem to be good at making friends are really intuitive about love languages. The more we pay attention to how we like to be loved, the more we can let people know, “I feel most loved when you do this…” Don’t be afraid to teach people how you like to be loved.

At the same time, don’t hesitate to ask your boyfriend/girlfriend, your spouse or your best friend, “When do you feel most loved by me?” If they say, “I feel loved when you spend time with me,” there is a good chance their love language is quality time.

Paying attention to love language can be a fun way to improve your relationships. Use your knowledge of the five love languages to help your most important relationships flourish.

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