Dear Mandy:

I’m caught up in the middle of trying to figure out if my boyfriend is cheating on me or not, and I feel so lost. There have been two girls that have messaged me saying all this stuff about him and how he was talking and hanging out with them at the same time — but he seems to have an excuse for everything.

I feel like your book is the perfect thing to have at this moment.

I still struggle with finding my self-worth in other people’s opinion of me, and getting cheated on is kind of a shot to the heart.

Can you help?

~E

Dear E:

First of all, I will say to you what someone said to me when I went through a similar situation a few years ago: Where there’s smoke, there’s almost always fire. Now, that said, there are a few things to keep in mind because every situation is different:

How trustworthy is your boyfriend? Have you caught him in compromising situations before?

How trustworthy are these “sources?” It’s always important to consider the source. Are these girls who are telling you these things friends of yours? Or would they have some reason to purposely want to come between you and your boyfriend?

What does your gut tell you? In these situations, your gut tends to always know, even if the rest of you hasn’t caught up yet. My gut always knew when my ex was being dishonest, even when my heart didn’t want to admit it. So I would encourage you to spend some quiet time with God, quiet time with yourself, and really ask yourself: What is my intuition telling me? Nine times out of ten, even if there’s no evidence, if your inner voice is telling you there’s something shady going on – then you can guarantee there’s something shady going on.

I actually share a story along these lines in my book, about a “friend” of mine who was secretly seeing a guy I was dating behind my back. I never had one ounce of physical proof that it was happening, yet my gut and my spirit were never at peace about it, so I had to let the friendship go. Then a year later, all of my suspicions were confirmed by another friend that everything I thought was happening was, indeed, happening.

So I would strongly urge you to sit your boyfriend down for a heart to heart talk, weigh all the evidence, then take some time to yourself to think things through, pray things through and get in touch with that still, small voice. Your heart, your gut and your relationship with God will never steer you wrong. 

All of that said, my dear friend, please also remember this: Someone cheating on you or being unfaithful to you or lying to you or doing you wrong in any way, shape or form has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It says nothing about your worth, and everything about their character.

Don’t internalize other people’s character flaws. Don’t let their weak actions define how you feel about YOU. They do not define you. Their infidelity and dishonesty does not define you. GOD defines you. And He loves you SO very much, He is working overtime to bring this information to light so you can see clearly who this guy really is and not waste one more moment of your precious time on him.

Whatever happens, your worth is a fixed point. It cannot be shaken by someone else’s betrayal or shortcomings. And you will come out of this stronger and better and wiser than ever. Ask God to protect your heart, to show you anything that you need to see, and to remove anyone from your life who doesn’t belong there … and He will. Because He loves you THAT much. The Bible says He keeps our tears in a bottle; THAT’S how much He cares for us. And I don’t know about you … but that makes me feel pretty special.

With love,

Mandy