Do you ever attract people who communicate at a surface level and care more about themselves than you? Do you often feel that you are unlucky in love?

This last question is one I get asked in intensive therapy sessions at The Center for Healing. I am also frequently asked by women “why do I attract men that are such jerks??” These inquiries always come from totally exasperated and incredibly bewildered women.

My thoughts on this is that we attract what we put out there. There are ways that believe and behave that attract certain people and situations, and we must become much more aware of how and why we attract what we do. Also, what we feel about ourselves is what we will attract to us. For instance, if you tend to look at the negative aspects of life, you will most likely attract negative friends, mate and co-workers. 

If you are highly emotional, you will attract a group of highly dramatic friends and a mate with a volatile personality. If you tend to be weak and needy, you will attract a rescuer who NEEDS to save you.

Frankly your dysfunction seeks out others’ dysfunction. You can put on a forced smile, sugary sweet words and some fabulous lipstick, but your emotional issues will shine right through. Especially when the going gets tough, the real us comes out.

If you are not happy about who you are and the people you are surrounded by, here are some solutions:

Become who you want to be around – Determine the type of people you want in your life and become ultra-focused on how your life is off track from who you want to be around. Look at those areas and create a plan for how you will make changes in these aspects of your character.

Identity… Who are you? – I often find the women I work with have adapted and morphed themselves to fit who others want them to be. I suggest that you slow down and figure out WHO you are. What do you like? What value and morals do you have? These are elements are critical for living an authentic life.

Find value in yourself – If you don’t find yourself to be worthwhile, then why would others? Why are you valuable? What are the positives about who you are? What does God say about your worth? Take these positives and write them on your mirror with lipstick so you retrain your thoughts on your value and worth.

Create boundaries around dysfunctional behavior that protects your value – People with value don’t allow others to continuously hurt and devalue them. Boundaries must be developed which protect who you are as a person. A boundary may sound like “I cannot tolerate being spoken to disrespectfully. If you choose to continue, I will need to disengage from our conversation.”

Tune into your negative thoughts and create a more positive truth. To attract positive people into your life, you must become positive yourself. The best way I have found to do this is to identify the negative thoughts and lies you tell yourself. Once you identify the negative thoughts, you can create a more positive truth to change your mindset. Often I find people need assistance from a therapist to get to the core of these negative thoughts.

If you need help becoming the person you want to be, we can help. The Center for Healing offers phone, Skype sessions or intensive individual counseling on the Puget Sound in Washington. You can email Teri at teri@thecenterforhealing.org or look at our website at www.thecenterforhealing.org.