Fear and worry over my marriage and son’s Tourette Syndrome finally landed me at rock bottom. (More in last post – Blog 7) What could I do with such dooming message but believe it and project about his future? “Would he be one of those kids that shot curse words uncontrollably? Would he have friends? Would he twitch so badly he would not be able to be in a normal school?”
Looking back from the vantage point of God’s grace and security, I can rationalize that this was just the fear talking. But at the time, it was very real.
I needed reassurance. I needed to talk to someone – a friend, my mom, my sister, my husband who was on a business trip… someone who could make me feel better, if only for the length of a phone call.
The problem was it was 2am. I knew I would have to do wait this out on my own. Thinking back to my conversation with Belinda, it was more than apparent I had finally hit rock bottom. And there, at the bottom of the well, I was pretty darn scared. And lonely.
“But maybe you’re not alone,” was the small, still voice that came to me. “Maybe it’s time to finally commit to giving Jesus a shot.”
“Oh, man, not that again,” was my reaction. “I know God exists. But this Jesus stuff? Really? Isn’t it just some Santa Claus hope we all hang onto to make us feel better about our dreary lives?A dangling carrot from a world that is so incredibly disappointing?”
“Maybe,” I thought, “But what I am doing isn’t working. I can’t wait for my son’s condition to change to make myself feel better. I can’t rely on well wishes of friends. If something – Someone – exists outside my own pitiful emotions, it’s time to find Him.
Then and there I got on my knees. It felt awkward and surreal, but ahead I went.
“Jesus,” I said, “It’s Andrea. I need you. I can’t do this alone anymore. From what I know about You, You know what it’s like to live in the human body. You experienced pain, but You also experienced intense joy. Belinda says that as long as she numbed her lows with booze she would also never enjoy the highs. Well, I’m no drinker, but I’m a compulsive thinker, and the same is true for me. I’ll never feel happy if I can’t shake off this mantle of guilt. And pain. I’m hoping that if You do exist, You’ll forgive me for the 99% of my doubt and take my 1% of hope and make something of the emotional train wreck I’ve become. If You could send someone my way that could help me through this hard time in my life, I’d appreciate.”
Angels didn’t appear at my bedside that night.
A Bible study leader didn’t come knocking at my door, nor did an invitation to join a fabulous church appear in my mail box the next day.
But after dropping off my kids at school, I called Focus on the Family (a radio show that, truthfully, I thought sounded obnoxious and preachy… no one was going to tell this free-minded person who and what to focus on!) and got referred to a Christian therapist 10 miles from my home that accepted my insurance. That was good enough for me. Let the journey begin!
Therapy Referrals: Focus on the Family has free counseling referrals to local therapists in your area. Don’t be afraid to call them – it could change your life.
Books on People Pleasing: Joyce Meyer’s book I Dare You is a supportive and uplifting Christian read on the perils of people pleasing. It emphasizes seeing ourselves through God’s eyes, not everyone else’s.
Leave a comment: Have you hit rock bottom recently? What about at some point in your life? Share your story and encourage others. (Don’t make me be the only one baring my soul here. My honesty already drives my mother crazy. Let her know I’m not the only big mouth on the net!)
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Andrea’s Blog Look for more of Andrea’s posts here.
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